JustAThought

Ushering in a new Decade

Dear dear,

It’s a new decade, year, month…. Etc. Welcome to 2020. This year I’m starting off by holding off on the new year wishes…. I’m the type that sets 200 messages on hold to send when the clock strikes midnight… but Cinderella left a little early this time round.

New Year, new plans…. Or maybe old plans that have been refurbished. I’m not sure yet, but I got some plans to put in action, I guess that counts. The past year has been tough…i learnt the hard way that sometimes you have to let God do the heavy lifting and stop trying to flex your muscles. Some trials are hard, they drain you and leave you feeling like you need some back up. However, just learned something new this new year form Gonzaga… To get support you have to be part of the support system.

In life we need friends, not the am always here type….although these ones help. Am talking about the out of the blue, intervention type of friendships that leave you breathless. On 1st Jan 2016 I spent my new years with a friend who sticks closer than a sister and to this day I always wonder how we got to that point. She’s a gem, and am grateful for the moments we remember each other and enjoy each other’s existence in a mix of wonder. Mellan you’re my hero. Aside from her, other people have showed up in my life and brought me back to the reality that I should be living…. Red, thanks for reminding me how to be the happiest version of myself and to take risks.

I’m thinking I’ll start a Thanksgiving habit. Maybe it’s the new year vibe, not sure. But I ended 2019 on a thankful note because I was grateful for alot of things. My family is top of the list, Faith, Miriam, “Grace”, mum n dad…. You are the rock God set for me.

So let’s see, this year these are my maybe resolutions

  1. Develop a Thanksgiving habit
  2. Read the books I buy (complete)
  3. Make a date with myself
  4. School
  5. Harness my hobby into something lucrative
  6. Blog more (I let things get in the way, got to stop)
  7. Revive my love for poetry

I thinks that’s enough, besides 7 is a lucky number.

PS: Happy new year

JustAThought

Think, Thought, Projection

Dear Dee,

I’m an over-thinker…I think you already knew that I just had to say it out loud to believe it myself. I just got a bad report from a client, and despite a full desk of work, all I can think about is where I went wrong. Is the client sure that I messed up? Why did I mess up…..and this train of thought spirals into a web of unrelated issues that my mind manages to link together and I end up with a massive headache I could have avoided.

Funny thing is, despite being an over-thinker I have trained myself to dwell on the inconsequential. So the client is not pleased, that does not reflect on my current relationships and issues with commitment. Or does it? Are my traits manifesting in my work, is my insecurity finally rearing its head? I always seem to connect the dots even when none are present and it is driving me nuts.

Consulted Doctor Google on a few occasions, and as per that child’s diagnosis I should be institutionalized, or on some heavy medication. But I’ll seek a second opinion first.

How often do we really get to thinking about what matters, am not sure. I just drop in an out of it…. Well mostly in, living in my head. It’s a mess up there, but I’ve embraced it and believe am more peaceful mingling with my thoughts that I ever was among people. Humans have a way of evoking emotions you never knew possible for you… And sometimes that’s a bad thing.

I like rambling Dee, because making coherent conversations necessitates investment and commitment and at times vulnerability. It’s like being naked in front of strangers. Sometimes I ask if I overshare or if I don’t share enough…. Always with the questions….but I guess it’s a universal trait for a majority…. Second guessing everything.

JustAThought

Warfare

I’ll just leave this here…

(Combat In The Heavenlies) – By John Mulinde, Obsteig (Austria)
I would like to share with you part of a testimony of a saved person who once
served the devil. When I heard him give his testimony it so challenged me I did not want to believe it. I had to fast before the Lord for ten days, asking Him, “Lord, is this true?” It was at that time the Lord began to teach me the things that take place in the spiritual realm when we pray.
This man was born after his parents had dedicated themselves to lucifer. When he was still in the womb, they performed many rituals to dedicate him to the service of lucifer. When he was four years old, he began to exercise his spiritual power, and his parents began to fear him. When he was six years old, his father brought him to some witches for
them to train him. And by the time he was ten years old, he was doing tremendous exploits for the kingdom of the devil. He was feared by the common witches.
He was still a young boy, but he was so terrible in the things he did. He grew to be a young man in his twenties with a lot of blood on his hands. He killed at will. He had the ability to leave his body through transcendental meditation. And he could levitate; at times his body would
rise off the ground and hang in midair. Sometimes he would go into a trance and leave his body; his body would remain behind while he went out into the world, by a practice called “astro-travelling.” He was used by satan to destroy or divide many churches, and to ruin many pastors.
Oneday, he was assigned to destroy a church
that was full of prayer. There had been much division in this church, and much confusion. He began to work against it, but at that time, the pastor called a fast for the whole church. As the church began to fast, there was much repentance and a lot of reconciliation. The people came together and began to pray for the Lord to work in their midst. They continued interceding and crying out to God to have mercy on them and to intervene in their lives. As the days went by, the man came again and again against the church with demon spirits. But a word of prophecy came forth telling the Christians to rise up and wage warfare against the powers of darkness
that were attacking the church.
So one day, the man left his body in his room to go astro-travelling. He led a powerful force of demonic spirits against the church. Now this is his testimony: His spirit moved through the air over the church and tried to attack it, but there was a covering of light over the church. Suddenly, an army of angels attacked them and fought against them in the air. All the demons fled, but he was arrested by the angels.

Yes, arrested by the angels! He found himself being held by about six angels. They brought him through the roof right before the church altar. He just appeared there as the people were praying. They were deep in prayer, engaged in spiritual warfare, binding and breaking and casting out. The pastor was on the platform leading the prayers and the warfare. The Spirit of the Lord spoke to the pastor, “The yoke has been
broken, and the victim is there before you. Help him through deliverance.” As the pastor opened his eyes, he saw the young man lying there. His body was with him; he was in his body. The young man said that he doesn’t know how his body joined him; he had left it back in his house. But there he was in his body. He didn’t know how he had entered it; all he knew was that the angel had carried him through the roof.

Now these things are difficult to believe. The pastor silenced the church and told them what the Lord had spoken to him, and then asked the young man, “Who are you?” The young man was trembling as the demons began coming out of him. So they prayed for his deliverance, and afterwards he began to share his story. The young man has now come to the Lord, and is an evangelist preaching the gospel. He is being used by the Lord mightily in setting other people free through deliverance.
One night, I (John Mulinde) went to a dinner. The only reason I went was that someone had told
me about this young man and I was very curious to see him and to find out if his story was true. So I attended the dinner, and in the evening he was given the chance to give his testimony. He spoke about so many things. At times he cried because of the things he had done. As he finished, he made an appeal.
There were many pastors in the room. He said, “I appeal to you, pastors. Please teach the people how to pray.
” The people who don’t pray can be taken in anything, in anything by the devil, and there are ways that the enemy can exploit their lives and their prayers. The enemy knows even how to exploit the prayers of those who don’t know how to pray. “Teach the people how to use the spiritual armor that God provides.“
Then he shared how he led expeditions through the air. He would go with other satanic agents and many demon spirits. It was as if they were working a shift, in the same way that you’ve got to go and work your shift. He had a regular, time that he was required to go and wage war in the heavenlies. He said that in the
heavenlies, in the spiritual realm, if the land is covered by a blanket of darkness, the blanket is so dense it is like solid rock. And it covers the whole area. The spirits are able to go on top of and below the blanket, and from there influence the events on earth.
When the evil spirits and human satanic agents finish their shifts, they go down to earth at the points of covenant, on water or on land, to refresh their spirits. How do they refresh their spirits? By the sacrifices that people give at these altars. They could be sacrifices in open witchcraft, sacrifices in bloodshed of all types, including abortion, warfare, and human and animal sacrifices. They could
be sacrifices of sexual immorality, in which people practice sexual perversions and all kinds of promiscuity. Such acts strengthen these powers. There are many different types of sacrifices.
He said that when satanic agents are up in the heavenly realm, and Christians begin to pray on earth, the Christians’ prayers appear to them in three forms. All prayers appear like smoke that is rising toward heaven.
Some prayers appear like smoke that drifts along and vanishes in the air. These prayers come
from people who have sin in their lives that they are not willing to deal with. Their prayers are very weak; they are blown away and disappear in the air.
Another type of prayer is also like smoke. It rises upward until it reaches the rock; it cannot break through the rock. These prayers usually come from people who try to purify themselves, but who lack faith as they pray. They usually ignore the other important aspects that are needed when someone prays.

The third type of prayer is like smoke that is filled with fire. As it rises upward, it is so hot that when it reaches the rock, the rock begins to melt like wax. It pierces the rock and goes through.
Many times, as people begin to pray, their prayers look like the first type. But as they continue praying, their prayers change and become like the second type of prayer. And as they continue
praying, suddenly their prayers ignite into flames. Their prayers become so powerful that they pierce through the rock.
Many times evil agents would notice that prayers were changing and coming very close to becoming fire. These agents would then communicate with other spirits on earth and tell them, “Distract that person from prayer. Stop them from praying. Pull them out.“
Many times Christians yield to
these distractions. They are pressing through, repenting and allowing the Word to check their spirit. Their faith is growing. Their prayers are becoming more focused. Then the devil notices that their prayers are gaining strength, and the distractions begin. Telephones ring. Sometimes, in the middle of very, very intense prayer, the telephone rings and you think you can go answer it and then come back and continue
praying. However, when you return, you go back to the beginning. And that’s what the devil wants.

Other kinds of distractions come your way. They may touch your body, bringing pain somewhere. They may make you hungry, causing you to want to go to the kitchen to prepare something to eat. As long as they can get you out of that place, they have defeated you. He said to the pastors, “Teach the people to set aside some time, not just for some casual praying, they can do that the rest of the day. Once a day, they should have a time when they are focusing wholeheartedly on God, without any distractions.
If the people persist in this kind of prayer and allow themselves to be inspired in the spirit and to keep going, something
happens in the spirit. The fire touches that rock, and it melts. The man said that when the melting begins, it is so hot that no demon spirit can stand it. No human spirit can stand it. They all flee. They all run away.
There comes an opening in the spiritual realm. As soon as it appears, all this trouble in prayer stops. The person who
is praying on the ground feels like their prayer has suddenly become so smooth, so enjoyable, so powerful and intense. I’ve discovered that at that moment, we normally lose all awareness of time and other things. Not that we become disorderly; God takes care of our time. But it is as if you lay down everything, and hook up with God. The man said that when the prayers break through, from that moment on there is no resistance at all, and the person praying can continue as long as he wants. There is no resistance to stop him.
Then he said that after the person finishes praying, the hole remains open. He said that when people rise from their
place of prayer, and move on, the open hole moves along with them. They are no longer operating under the blanket. They are operating under an open heaven. He said that in that state, the devil cannot do what he wants against them. The presence of the Lord is like a pillar from heaven resting on their lives. They are protected, and there is so much power inside the pillar that as they move around, the presence touches other people as well. It discerns what the enemy has done in other people. And as they talk to people who are standing with them, they too come inside the pillar. As long as they stay inside the pillar, all the bondages placed on them
by the enemy weaken.
So when people who have experienced this spiritual breakthrough share Jesus Christ with sinners, the sinners’ resistance is low. It is very easy to bring them through to salvation. When they pray for the sick or pray about other things,
the presence that is with them makes all the difference. The man said that the devil hates such people. He said that in places where prayer regularly breaks through in this way, the presence comes upon that place and does not leave. When people who don’t know God enter such a place, all their bondages even suddenly weaken.

If someone is willing to minister to them with patience and love, they could easily be pulled through to salvation, not by power nor by might but by the Spirit of God, Who is present. But he said that if no one bothers to reach out to them, they merely come into His presence, feel convicted, and begin to debate whether or not to yield. If they are not pulled through to salvation, when they walk away from that place, their bondages become stronger. And the devil tries his best to prevent them from entering such an environment again.
As you can imagine, we all sat staring at the man as he told us the things he used to do and see. Then he told us what
they would do to those who broke through in prayer. He said that they marked such people and studied them. They would dig up everything they could find about them, so they knew their weaknesses. When someone overcame them in prayer and broke through, they would communicate with other spirits saying, “Target him with this and this and this. They are his weaknesses.” So when the person walks out of his prayer closet, the spirit of prayer is upon him, the presence is with him, his spirit is high, and the joy of the Lord is his strength. However, as he goes the enemy tries to bring things that can distract him from focusing on the Lord.

If his weakness is in the area of his temper, the enemy will cause people to do things to make him angry. If he is not sensitive to the Holy Spirit, and he allows himself to lose his temper, he takes his eyes off the Lord. He gets angry; he feels furious. Then after a few minutes, he wants to put it behind him and move forward in the joy of the Lord; however, he doesn’t feel joyful anymore.
He tries to feel good again, but can’t. Why? While he was yielding to the temptation, they were working hard to close the opening above him. Once they have restored the rock, the presence is cut off. The person does not cease being a child of God. But the extra anointing on his life, the presence that worked apart from his own effort, is cut off. They seek to know his areas of weakness.
If his weakness is temptation to commit sexual immorality, the enemy will prepare people or events, something to suddenly arouse his passion to move towards the temptation. And if the man yields to the temptation and opens his
mind to receive and entertain its thoughts, when he is through and wants to again move in the anointing, he discovers it is no longer there. You might say, “That’s not fair!” Just remember what the Bible says, “Put on the helmet of salvation. Put on the breastplate of righteousness.” We normally do not understand the part these weapons play in warfare. But remember what Jesus told us to pray towards the end of the Lord’s Prayer, “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.“

Every time after you have a breakthrough in prayer, remember you are still a weak human being. Remember you have not yet been made perfect. Say to the Lord, “Lord, I’ve enjoyed this time of prayer, but as I walk out into the world, lead me not into temptation. Don’t allow me to walk into the devil’s trap. I know the enemy is setting a trap out there. I don’t know what form it is going to take, and I know I am still weak in certain areas. Given the right circumstances, I will yield to temptation. Protect me, Lord. When you see me turning the corner where the trap has been set, cause me to turn the other way. Intervene, O Lord. Don’t
let me move in only my own strength and ability. Deliver me from the evil one.“
God is able to do it. He is able. That is why things happen sometimes. All you need to say is, “Thank you, Jesus.” That is why the Apostle Paul wrote in the book of First Thessalonians, “Thank God in everything, for that is the will of God in Christ for you.”( 1 Thes 5:18) Some things are not good. They are painful, and we wonder why God allows them. But if we only knew what He is saving us from, we
would thank Him. When we have learned to trust the Lord, we thank Him in everything.
Beloved, I don’t know if I should go deeper, because I do not want to start something I cannot finish. But let me just try to go one step further. The man said that when prayer breaks through like that, the answer will always come. He said he did not know of a single case in which prayer broke through and the answer did not come. He said that the answer always came, but that in most cases, it never reached the person who asked for it. Why? The battle in the heavenlies. He said that after they succeeded in cutting off the open
heaven and restoring the rock, they would watch the person and wait because they knew the answer would definitely come.
Then the man said something that really shook my faith. It was because of what he shared next that I fasted for ten days asking, “Lord, is this true? Can You prove it to me?” The man said that every Christian has an angel who serves them. Now we know the Bible says that angels are ministering spirits who minister to us. He said that when people pray, the answer comes in the hands of their angel. The angel brings the answer, just like we read in the book of Daniel. Then he said something that was difficult to
receive: If the one who prays knows of the spiritual armor and is clothed with it, the answer comes by an angel who is also clothed in full armor.
However, if the one who prays doesn’t care about being clothed in spiritual armor, their angel comes to them without spiritual armor. When Christians are careless about the kinds of thoughts that enter their minds and do not fight the battle for their minds, their angels come to them without helmets. Whatever spiritual weapon you ignore on earth, your angel does not have it when he serves you. In other words, our spiritual armor is not protecting our physical bodies; it is protecting our
spiritual exploits.

The man said that as the angel was coming they would watch him to find the areas that were uncovered, and then attack those areas. If he didn’t have a helmet, they would shoot at his head. If he didn’t have a breastplate, they would shoot at his chest. If he didn’t have shoes, they would make a fire, causing him to have to walk through fire. Now, I am just repeating what the man said. Actually, we asked him, “Can angels feel fire?” You know what his reply was? Remember this is the spiritual realm. They are spirits dealing with spirits. The battle is intense. When they overpower an angel of God, the first thing they go after is the answer he is carrying, and
they get it from him. They then give it to people who are involved in cults or witchcraft, so people might say, “I got this because of witchcraft.”
Remember what the Bible says in the book of James? All good things come from God. So where does the devil get the things he gives to his people? Some people who cannot have children go to witch doctors and satanists and become pregnant! Who gave them the baby? Is satan a creator? No! He steals
from those who don’t pray through to the end. Jesus said, “Pray without ceasing.“( 1 Thess 5:17) And then He said, “But when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith?”( Luke 18:8) Will He find you still waiting? Or will you have given up, and the enemy stolen what you prayed for?
Then the man said that they were not satisfied with just stealing the answer. They were also interested in detaining the angel. They would start fighting against him. And he said that sometimes they would succeed in
holding and binding the angel. He said that when that happens, the Christian on earth becomes a victim as well. They can do anything to that Christian because he is left totally without ministry in the spiritual realm.
I asked him, “Do you mean that an angel can be held captive by demonic forces?” The man did not know the Scriptures
at the time he was saying all this. He did not know very many verses. He was just sharing his experience. He said that they could not hold the angel very long because as other Christians prayed elsewhere, reinforcements would come and the angels would go free. However, if the Christian responsible did not pray through, he remained a captive. Then the enemy would send his own angel to them as an angel of light. That is how deception comes—false visions and false prophecies, false leading or guidance in the spirit, and the making of all kinds wrong decisions. And many times this person is open to all kinds of attacks and bondages.

And I asked the Lord. I left that dinner extremely troubled. I said, “Lord, I don’t want to even try to believe this.” It takes away all of my confidence, my security. During the ten days that I sought the Lord, the Lord did two things: He not only confirmed the things I had heard, He also opened my mind to understand a lot more of what happens in the spiritual realm that the man could not tell us. And two, He led me to see what we are supposed to do as the things are happening so that we are not defeated, but can overcome. We need to know and really come to terms with three things.

First: How to use the weapons of our warfare. The Bible calls them the armor of God. It is not our armor; it is God’s armor. When we use it, we allow God to fight on our behalf. Second: Understand the relationship between ministering spirits—angels—and our spiritual lives, and be sensitive to what is happening in our hearts as a leading regarding what needs to be done in the spiritual realm on our behalf. That brings us to the third thing: The Holy Spirit.

We should not regard the Holy Spirit as our servant, who is serving us and bringing us things. He does not run back and forth between us and the Father to tell Him what we need. That is the angels’ job. He stands by our side. Doing what? Guiding us, teaching us, leading us, helping us to pray in the right way. And when these things are happening in the spiritual realm, He lets us know. Sometimes He wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, “Pray.” But you say, “No! My time has not yet come.” And He says, “Pray now!” Why? He sees what is happening in the spiritual realm. Sometimes He says, “Fast tomorrow!” But you say, “Oh, no; I’ll
start on Monday!“….
But He understands what is happening in the spiritual realm. We should learn to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit. He guides us in paths of righteousness. Beloved we’ve got to stop here. Maybe tomorrow morning we will talk about how we can pray through—knowing the battles in the spiritual realm and how we can break through. And how we can maintain our breakthrough once we have achieved it. Once we learn this, it becomes enjoyable. Then we will learn one thing: The battle is not ours; the battle is the Lord’s! Hallelujah!

Let’s stand up. Look someone in the eye, and think about how many times that person may have missed what God had for him. Join your hands if you can, with two or three people, and tell each other that there’s no need for any more defeat! We can overcome! There is enough power to overcome! Jesus has already finished the work.” Pray for each other that the Lord will help us to overcome. We should not lose. There is enough grace,
enough power, for victory

Dear Dee · JustAThought

Give me Space

me too printed paper wall decor
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Dear Dee,

I am infuriated, mad, and angry and all those fancy words that describe “pissed as hell”. People are different, I get that, but seriously, we have codes of conduct, rules of etiquette……personal space.  Why is it that some people…okay, I’ll say it as it is…why do some men think that a woman should not be accorded with respect and interaction with such beings remain under the aforementioned guidelines? Is it a Kenyan thing or people out there are behaving in manners that are way beneath them? Does it say anywhere that we are different thus we can be manhandled and our personal space non-existent?

Okay, just had to rant first before I could tell you the story…explain the reason for my ire. It’s good to vent, helps to release the pressure before we put things into perspective.

It’s barely a month after I read a post on Facebook about a lady that has sworn off “matatus” because of the terror she experienced in one. Women are not safe in this country of ours full of wolves in human skin. You cannot enjoy public transport after 8pm without worry or dread as the journey progresses. Men were present when this lady was being harassed by a disgruntled man yet instead of helping they championed his barbaric efforts at getting her attention. Where did we go wrong? Whom did we offend so much that the repercussions are felt across an entire gender?

So I read this article and am like “We’ll that happens to most ladies but not me”. I had the “it won’t happen to me” syndrome. Mind you am not athletic, I hate running, gyms are torture chambers for me, and the thought of punching another human makes me wince….but LORD how I wish I did that last night. Writing this makes me seethe all over again….like the audacity that this guy had…

It’s barely 7:30 pm when I board the matatu for home. It was already full except for the seat at the door behind the driver. The guy at the edge scoots over so I can seat and in my head am like, that’s nice….Jehova! If I had known it was a trap being set I would not have seen him as so nice. So the tout sits next to me and I’m sandwiched between these two men…It is not until the vehicle starts moving that the monkey business begins. We hit a bump and i hold the handlebar to steady myself and this guy starts caressing my arm

Dude! I don’t know you that way

I thwart his hand away and think that is enough but he does it again until I remove my hand and place it on my purse (which is on top of my thighs). As if on cue he moves to place his palm on my thighs but I moved fast towards the tout thus his hand landed on the seat.  I was mortified, when did a negative response mean that you are given leeway to continue with mischief.

Out of anger, and slightly angst I alighted at a distance from my initial stop. I opted to walk the rest of the way rather than let this invasion of personal space continue. Now that I think of it, I was foolish to do so as it was dark and I had some distance to cover….but at the moment all I wanted to do was leave that guy behind.

I thank God I no longer have the small, fragile, childish body I had cause if a person of my physique gets this sort of treatment, what of those babyish angelic faces.

I feel much better now that I have let this out….. I wish I could say that this was an isolated event, but seems its a cancer that took root long time ago and is still eating away at humanity…..

JustAThought

Insecurities

silhouette of man on rock walking during nightime
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Dear Dee,

It has been centuries since we last spoke. I have not been making calls, nor have I accepted any that were from your end. The surface truth is that I have been busy, life happened and now I try to keep afloat with all the deadlines and appointments, meetings and prior engagements. However, you know me well enough to know that you need to scratch that surface a bit more to know why I have cut off communication. I have no fancy words to say and I can no longer use Grace as an excuse as she has grown wings of semi-independence thus does not need mummy’s 24/7 eyes on her…well, at least I hope that’s all that it is.

See, I have been having doubts lately…my mind has been plagued by thoughts of whether my approach to parenting is ideal or if I actually am doing any parenting at all. For the first 4 months of her life, Grace bloomed under my guidance and care and I never questioned myself because she was a happy, bouncing, beautiful and quiet child (at least that how I saw it one week after her birth). I was not perfect, I was not ready, but I was doing this, I was being a mother and that was enough. However, you should know that we rarely left home and when we did it was for hospital appointments or short appearances in church. As you may have guessed, I did not want to raise a heathen…

However, four months elapsed and I packed up and went back to my parental home. Mom and dad were ecstatic and took over guardianship roles without much of a complaint….there was no meeting either…it just happened. I had been winging it for those four months so having solid support was awesome and the fact that they took up some of the roles needed in her life was a gift. Family is important to me, and this was it….she was home.

Fast forward to the present, I took her to school recently and in my mind, I was picturing her protest when I finally left her at the institution. Shock on me! She just turned, hugged me then said her goodbye before settling in among her peers. This event got me thinking, have I become that parent? Like, she’s only 31/2, shouldn’t she be crying and asking to go home with me…Have I made it a norm to be away from my child that she does not question it? To be fair (to myself), she was anticipating school a lot so maybe the excitement overcame her fear…

Anyways my dilemma has been in finding myself and settling out of home – finding my way…which I am yet to master..but we are getting there. Is my journey taking me away from Grace or is it empowering me to be a better mom, and at some stage a better friend to my daughter? I feel like I am raising her from the sidelines and this is not the ideal experience I had envisioned when I pictured motherhood. I am a very present person in my daughter’s life, you know that Dee…but still I feel as if the time I spend away makes me lose a part of that relation.

I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place when it comes to raising her because either way, some sacrifices have to be made. If I opt to whisk her from my parents home I will be denying her stability….an aspect I always wanted for her as ours would never be the typical family unit…..but then the more I am away, the more I feel like a visitor when I go home for the weekend… however, there is love in her eyes, and that is enough to know that I may not be doing it right, but she still wants me there…..

PS: I rumble a lot, maybe that is why you always miss me. We should have that coffee date, it would be greater than online exchanges. Oh, and it’s my made up drama that’s been keeping me away…plus work 🙂

JustAThought

Not Every Other Day

Dear Dee,

Yesterday was a tough one, too much work, too little time and a pile of bad news. I felt suffocated and there was no breaking the surface of all the tension rigidly holding me in. All I ever wanted as a kid was to grow up and be my own person. Well now all I want is a moment’s peace and quiet, when I don’t have to be the hero of my story and I can watch from the sidelines as my life unravels without always dashing to put out some fire or save the day.

As children we take so much for granted, the warm meal on the table, the disregard for saving, our ease in making and keeping friends. A lot just comes easy at that stage. We rarely loose touch with others because that’s all we have time for….then adulthood kicks in and a simple text is harder to compile than the ten page report needed at work by noon.

I’ve never been good at dealing with loss, not really sure anyone has…

To me loss is like an itchy sweater on a winter morning. I know I’ll eventually wear it to go out but I’m uncomfortable just thinking about it. I don’t want to wear it, and would rather not have it on but it is part of the season. Once on, it feels like something is crawling under my skin and I can’t get it out.

Loss is like the flu, always with you, never truly goes away even though we act fine through various seasons. It necessitates just a little somber weather and ‘boom’ you down with a bad cold and few dare venture near you least they get affected. You get vaccines, wear warm clothes, and even keep the furnace on, but still the flu finds a way to you.

Loss is the embodiment of misery and its company is no stranger to anyone that walks this earth — grief, tears, and sorrow.

It has been awhile since I wrote and am saddened that such a topic is the first thing I touch on in this correspondence. But life does not allow us to follow scripts as roles are always being reversed or cut out of the performance.  We know not the next chapter of this book of which we are characters. Sometimes I feel like am riding a tricycle and this balancing act becomes so hard because I forecast a downfall, am just not sure the level of pain it will cause. We love, we fail, we get left behind, we start afresh, but rarely do we forget…and sometimes that’s a good thing

Cause after loss moves in and gets comfortable, memories are all that make that visit bearable.

To those who went on ahead of me, and i didn’t get to say goodbye, save me a seat cause i’ve got lots to say when i finally get there.

PS: It’s okay to be busy, just don’t let it make you miss out on things and people

JustAThought

Of Balconies and Sudden Drops

Dear Dee,

I’ve thought long and hard about writing this, first because it would alarm you and that’s not my intent, and second cause it’s weighty and vulnerable and leaves me feeling naked and exposed. We keep it real and that’s just what am doing…. Plus I think I’ve watched too much highschool dramas that have got my emotions in a twist. A part of me is comfortable writing this cause I believe you’ll understand and I won’t have to gratify your curiosity on why I’m penning such a morbid piece and mailing it to you on the world wide web for everyone to see.

First, do not be alarmed, sometimes I let the dark thoughts out and they ain’t so pretty…but who’s to say that they shouldn’t warrant an audience because of their ugliness. Even big foot drew attention so I guess this is my larger than life moment of weakness.

I am far from perfect, and lately I’ve accepted that it’s okay. However, no one told me that acceptance isn’t always a safeguard against those thoughts that weigh you down. That I’d have moments when that acceptance is not enough and I’d find myself on a precipice and contemplate the drop…back into the former self that was not good enough, not eligible for certain things, plain unsuitable.

Sometimes I stand at the balcony and look out at people and wonder which version of me they have stored up in their memories. Was I at my best or did my first impression strike a nerve, bring on feelings of disconnect … from me. Did they meet put together me or the not so sorted version. Well I’m not entirely put together but I’m working towards it.

It’s been awhile since I wrote to you…. Now it seems I’m getting too personal and I wanna shy off from this tale. But I’m not one to quit so easy…. Well atleast not my present persona so I’ll continue down this road. Your probably leaned forward, coffee forgotten and glasses adjusted right about now, wondering where my crazy mind has driven me too this time. Don’t worry, am still in one piece and plan to stay that way. Plus am very sober, this ain’t a drunk confession either.

Remember that balcony I like so much. Well one of my low days I stood there and wondered what would happen if I fell. It was so random and creepy and somehow sane too. Yeah, I know, “she’s hit insanity” is your first thought. I’m not suicidal so don’t go Sigmund Freud on me trying to psychoanalyse me and make a diagnosis. It was those passing thoughts like am I a good mother, does my life qualify as exemplary, what happens when people die, or is there a God somewhere out there. It came, went and revisited again. This time I was doing the analysis of that thought wondering why I’d even contemplate such an event.

Jumping off balconies, that’s not me but I’ve gone off metaphorical cliffs and maybe this is why that thought occurred to me. Science calls it mood swings, hormonal imbalance or changes, it blames it on things beyond your control.

JustAThought

Dear 20-year old Self

Adulthood is a complicated dance…you’re never sure if it’s the Tango, and once you catch on that it’s salsa, the music changes and the world is on to the samba leaving you behind with your awkward two left feet. I’m still on the dance floor however…. Battling out the awkwardness, trying to find my rhythm and praying to God I find that partner that lets me dance on their feet. It’s a simple enough life, we live on hope and look back wondering how time went by without us noticing how fast the ‘driver’ was going. I am an adult, but honestly sometimes the kid in me takes the wheel and such journeys are always unpredictable.

I’m still awake at this time, not because I’m burning the midnight oil discovering the next big idea in physics, it’s less simple and more complicated. Childhood memories remind me of how much I desired sleep and if memory serves me right the adults of that time promised after school I’d have the keys to “lala-land”. Well, tough luck getting inside. Now the sleep is less because the hustle is more, and the thought processing is on another level. I can’t sleep because I’m thinking. Making plans, noting down budgets, scheduling nap time and trying to survive the jungle of being over 21.

I thought I’d have it all figured out. Be someone who is achieved by 24 and my life would be paradise with me at the centre of Eden because I did good. I read, passed exams, did not break the rules, and I followed the system. Well, am not sure if the this reward program is working cause am still unsure of what am doing sometimes. Some mornings I wake up and feel like I can reach the peak of Mount Everest, while other mornings I wish it were night so I’d crawl back to bed and avoid smelling the success off other people’s shoulders. It’s the mood swings or probably the fact that the grass seems greener on the other side.

However, there’s a lesson we learn the hard way. It’s not really green, the neighbours just have good lighting and your perspective of yourself is often not as accurate as you’d think. So you didn’t graduate by 21 and get married at 25, it’s not really a race because your journey is different than mine. Probably you’d have sought jobs for longer and given up earlier if the graduation was at your scheduled time. Maybe that marriage would never have lasted because you still had an explorer’s spirit and had yet to learn submission. It does not really matter because you are still on the move, just not where you thought you’d be.

So dear 20-year old self….

Live…. That’s the summation of what advice i would give you.

Read a lot…. you have a mind that wanders so best to get lost in the different eras available in literature

Love…. It does not hurt that much if you do it with no expectations. Love is the act of being the best of you and sharing some of that magic

Write… This is a past time that never grows old, self therapy and the beginning of many journeys.

JustAThought · Real Talk

No More Dancing

I saw you today, it was one of those perfect sunsets and you happened to have the dash of colors as a backdrop.  You are beautiful, I know English dictates I say handsome but for me its beauty that I see. It was one of those moments when you hardly noticed I was looking and I took it upon myself to explore what it was that caught my attention. Was it the high cheekbones or the shy dimple that was always peeking at me when you smiled? Probably that mischievous laughter of yours for it was the mystery of the man that I followed like bees to the honeypot.

I saw you today, underneath that mango tree sipping orange juice and trying not to tap your feet to the music. You exude happiness and it is infectious, more like ink on blotting paper it runs fast and creeps deep. When I think of being happy, you never miss in those fantasies of perfect gateways and sand between my toes as the birds sing to the hum of the water crashing on the beach. If you were to be Prince Charming, I’d be sleeping beauty for I have been oblivious to you in my deep slumber of “friendship” and it is you who had awoken my curiosity with a single act.

The sun finally set, and the excellence of color gone, I saw him. It was not you who was standing under the mango tree, but him. The darkness draped him like a cloak and he looked magnificent in that light. A persona fit for his role as my tormentor and you were gone with the light. It was time for our dance, he and I, but I was never ready even when I knew the steps by heart. As he rises I shall reduce my form for it is the way of the dance.  A raise of his fist means a turn of the cheek and bend of my knees. Repeat.

Source: Business Day

I saw him today; he came in your place like the dark cloud takes up space in the blue sky. He smiled but even that dimple didn’t make a show and I knew you were truly gone, having left me to the passions of the night, the whims of another. I looked pretty in the white dress I wore today, at least that’s what you said. However, he decided it needed some color; add a little character to it. And so a splash of scarlet, some drops of tears and maybe minor shredding too. There, a work of art!

I saw me today, the person I have become reflected in my three-year Old’s eyes and I decided I’m done dancing or making art. The girl I saw is not the one you took down the aisle, she left probably to go find you and I was left with him in an unending dance of unequal. However, the music has stopped, and I am leaving the dance floor, leaving the artist and the dancer to find the girl that went to find you. I am choosing my child and myself over the life I dreamed for there is no need for dreams if all the time they turn into nightmares.

PS. I saw us today and were no longer what we used to be.

JustAThought

A Medusa of Thoughts 

Dear Jay

It has been a rollercoaster of a week, I’m not sure it has ended yet, I just hope it has coz I’m about done with the nausea from the runarounds. I am back to my original question without answers. I’m I a bad person? Is it my persona or just basically my acting that is terrible because the spin of the earth is going wrong for me. I am at the losing end of this chess game. I want what is not and have no desire for what is…man’s century old dilemma. It’s one of those weeks when my mind checks out and my heart becomes the proverbial mouse ruling in the cat’s absence.

Some thoughts are in a loop, others are broken records. I am an mp3 player on repeat and even a blackout can’t seem to turn off the music that is my chaos. I am probably beating myself up for nothing but that’s one of the things am really good at…the worst critic of myself. Some days I know where I am headed, my mind is clear, my heart is mum and my actions show purpose…yet other times I fell like a hula-hoop….spinning up and down the waist of fate as she dances to destiny’s tune.

I left for a brief moment, to witness the beauty in calamity but I have lost my way back, stranded in the warzone. Now it seems I have forgotten the secret letters of our alphabet and the codes to my heart’s nukes are in enemy hands…ready for detonation as one after another piece gets chipped away. There is stillness in the eye of the storm….but what if you are the manifestation of that storm? Does that mean you find your center?

I am a bubbly creature, full of love and life….but just as the moths draw to the light and create shadows, I attract negativity. I love to write … As I write am actually grading myself, trying to see if maybe the literature will reveal my faults. However all I see is how crafty I can be at whipping up half-truths and serving paradise to non-believers. My prowess seems to have improved because even I can’t tell the difference Sometimes. I write and write but never make sense of what is on paper so I read it to myself but the sound and the words seem foreign and I am lost to it all. My sanity is like a ball of glass, fragile and beautiful but once the glass breaks you never know what comes forth. And now I am rambling, probably cause of sleep deprivation or coz I’m hung up on movies. Read this with a touch of salt cause am high on sugar too….

PS: This beautiful mess misses your attempts to clean it up, write back soon.