I’ve thought long and hard about writing this, first because it would alarm you and that’s not my intent, and second cause it’s weighty and vulnerable and leaves me feeling naked and exposed. We keep it real, and that’s just what am doing… Plus I think I’ve watched too much high school dramas that have got my emotions in a twist. A part of me is comfortable writing this cause I believe you’ll understand and I won’t have to gratify your curiosity on why I’m penning such a morbid piece and mailing it to you on the World Wide Web for everyone to see.
First, do not be alarmed, sometimes I let the dark thoughts out and they ain’t so pretty…but who’s to say that they shouldn’t warrant an audience because of their ugliness. Even Bigfoot drew attention, so I guess this is my larger than life moment of weakness.
I am far from perfect, and lately, I’ve accepted that it’s okay. However, no one told me that acceptance isn’t always a safeguard against those thoughts that weigh you down. That I’d have moments when that acceptance is not enough, and I’d find myself on a precipice and contemplate the drop…back into the former self that was not good enough, not eligible for certain things, plain unsuitable.
Sometimes I stand on the balcony and look out at people and wonder which version of me they have stored up in their memories. Was I at my best or did my first impression strike a nerve, bring on feelings of disconnect … from me. Did they meet the put-together me or the not-so-sorted version? Well, I’m not entirely put together, but I’m working towards it.
It’s been a while since I wrote to you… Now it seems I’m getting too personal and I wanna shy off from this tale. But I’m not one to quit so easy… Well, at least not my present persona so I’ll continue down this road. You are probably leaned forward, coffee forgotten and glasses adjusted right about now, wondering where my crazy mind has driven me to this time. Don’t worry, am still in one piece and plan to stay that way. Plus am very sober, this ain’t a drunk confession either.
Remember that balcony I like so much. Well, one of my low days I stood there and wondered what would happen if I fell. It was so random and creepy and somehow sane too. Yeah, I know, “she’s hit insanity” is your first thought. I’m not suicidal so don’t go Sigmund Freud on me trying to psychoanalyze me and make a diagnosis. It was those passing thoughts like am I a good mother, does my life qualify as exemplary, what happens when people die, or is there a God somewhere out there. It came, went and revisited again. This time I was doing the analysis of that thought wondering why I’d even contemplate such an event.
Jumping off balconies, that’s not me but I’ve gone off metaphorical cliffs, and maybe this is why that thought occurred to me. Science calls it mood swings, hormonal imbalance or changes, it blames it on things beyond your control. I’m not sure I can define it really, but at that moment I contemplated death, what happens in between and after one walks towards the metaphorical light. Would I be missed or just classified as a statistic put away in a dusty cabinet that is rechecked once in a while when Facebook bombards timelines with memories? It was a scary thought.
Consequently, this got me thinking… “what happens for a person to push through with leaping from that ledge?” We rarely talk about suicide in my community, maybe it is an African thing to keep the darkness under cover and avoid the taboo that is death at thy own hands. It must be a series of thoughts and actions because no one just wakes up and says i wanna die.
Suicide is something that is evident in society but we fail to acknowledge it. Similar behavior to the child that avoids looking under the bed so that the boogieman won’t get her. However, in this case, the boogieman is real and is not confined to a single station, he moves around and the next victim could be someone close to you. I am no expert but I believe the facing the situation head-on, and being alert on signs of depression and other factors that contribute to the issue may be of help.
PS: I am loving my current stage in life, but this does not mean I am not empathetic to those around me who are not so happy. Share some love, offer a smile, be kind…it could save a life.