I’ve thought long and hard about writing this, first because it would alarm you and that’s not my intent, and second cause it’s weighty and vulnerable and leaves me feeling naked and exposed. We keep it real and that’s just what am doing…. Plus I think I’ve watched too much highschool dramas that have got my emotions in a twist. A part of me is comfortable writing this cause I believe you’ll understand and I won’t have to gratify your curiosity on why I’m penning such a morbid piece and mailing it to you on the world wide web for everyone to see.
First, do not be alarmed, sometimes I let the dark thoughts out and they ain’t so pretty…but who’s to say that they shouldn’t warrant an audience because of their ugliness. Even big foot drew attention so I guess this is my larger than life moment of weakness.
I am far from perfect, and lately I’ve accepted that it’s okay. However, no one told me that acceptance isn’t always a safeguard against those thoughts that weigh you down. That I’d have moments when that acceptance is not enough and I’d find myself on a precipice and contemplate the drop…back into the former self that was not good enough, not eligible for certain things, plain unsuitable.
Sometimes I stand at the balcony and look out at people and wonder which version of me they have stored up in their memories. Was I at my best or did my first impression strike a nerve, bring on feelings of disconnect … from me. Did they meet put together me or the not so sorted version. Well I’m not entirely put together but I’m working towards it.
It’s been awhile since I wrote to you…. Now it seems I’m getting to personal and I wanna shy off from this tale. But I’m not one to quit so easy…. Well atleast not my present persona so I’ll continue down this road. Your probably leaned forward, coffee forgotten and glasses adjusted right about now, wondering where my crazy mind has driven me too this time. Don’t worry, am still in one piece and plan to stay that way. Plus am very sober, this ain’t a drunk confession either.
Remember that balcony I like so much. Well one of my low days I stood there and wondered what would happen if I fell. It was so random and creepy and somehow sane too. Yeah, I know, “she’s hit insanity” is your first thought. I’m not suicidal so don’t go Sigmund Freud on me trying to psychoanalyse me and make a diagnosis. It was those passing thoughts like am I a good mother, does my life qualify as exemplary, what happens when people die, or is there a God somewhere out there. It came, went and revisited again. This time I was doing the analysis of that thought wondering why I’d even contemplate such an event.
Jumping off balconies, that’s not me but I’ve gone off metaphorical cliffs and maybe this is why that thought occurred to me. Science calls it mood swings, hormonal imbalance or changes, it blames it on things beyond your control.