It has been centuries since we last spoke. I have not been making calls, nor have I accepted any that were from your end. The surface truth is that I have been busy, life happened and now I try to keep afloat with all the deadlines and appointments, meetings and prior engagements. However, you know me well enough to know that you need to scratch that surface a bit more to know why I have cut off communication. I have no fancy words to say and I can no longer use Grace as an excuse as she has grown wings of semi-independence thus does not need mummy’s 24/7 eyes on her…well, at least I hope that’s all that it is.
See, I have been having doubts lately…my mind has been plagued by thoughts of whether my approach to parenting is ideal or if I actually am doing any parenting at all. For the first 4 months of her life, Grace bloomed under my guidance and care and I never questioned myself because she was a happy, bouncing, beautiful and quiet child (at least that how I saw it one week after her birth). I was not perfect, I was not ready, but I was doing this, I was being a mother and that was enough. However, you should know that we rarely left home and when we did it was for hospital appointments or short appearances in church. As you may have guessed, I did not want to raise a heathen…
However, four months elapsed and I packed up and went back to my parental home. Mom and dad were ecstatic and took over guardianship roles without much of a complaint….there was no meeting either…it just happened. I had been winging it for those four months so having solid support was awesome and the fact that they took up some of the roles needed in her life was a gift. Family is important to me, and this was it….she was home.
Fast forward to the present, I took her to school recently and in my mind, I was picturing her protest when I finally left her at the institution. Shock on me! She just turned, hugged me then said her goodbye before settling in among her peers. This event got me thinking, have I become that parent? Like, she’s only 31/2, shouldn’t she be crying and asking to go home with me…Have I made it a norm to be away from my child that she does not question it? To be fair (to myself), she was anticipating school a lot so maybe the excitement overcame her fear…
Anyways my dilemma has been in finding myself and settling out of home – finding my way…which I am yet to master..but we are getting there. Is my journey taking me away from Grace or is it empowering me to be a better mom, and at some stage a better friend to my daughter? I feel like I am raising her from the sidelines and this is not the ideal experience I had envisioned when I pictured motherhood. I am a very present person in my daughter’s life, you know that Dee…but still I feel as if the time I spend away makes me lose a part of that relation.
I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place when it comes to raising her because either way, some sacrifices have to be made. If I opt to whisk her from my parents home I will be denying her stability….an aspect I always wanted for her as ours would never be the typical family unit…..but then the more I am away, the more I feel like a visitor when I go home for the weekend… however, there is love in her eyes, and that is enough to know that I may not be doing it right, but she still wants me there…..
PS: I rumble a lot, maybe that is why you always miss me. We should have that coffee date, it would be greater than online exchanges. Oh, and it’s my made up drama that’s been keeping me away…plus work 🙂